Wednesday, October 15, 2014

October 15 is Pregnancy Loss Awareness-Remembance Day.

So this is very different to what I usually post!

Today I want to share some of
 My Story about Pregnancy Loss.
    The day started like any other....older children ( 11, 9 & 6) fed, dressed and off to school, younger
two, (aged 4 &2) fed and ready for the day ahead. I was 39 and a half weeks pregnant and awaiting the arrival of, (what we had planned) to be our final child to complete our family. Our day progressed as normal around mid-morning I said to my hubby that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while? We rang the hospital and they told us to come in for a check. When we arrived they took us straight in and checked for a fetal heart beat with the portable ultrasound machine.....they couldn't detect one!?  Hubby took off with the younger 2 children to drop them at a good friends, place. 
 They then took me to the x-ray/ ultrasound unit in the hospital and had one of the senior sonographers take a look. As we looked at the screen, everything was flickering little heartbeat....just stillness!! 
  I felt so could this be happening? Not to me? I'm a good person...I just wanted to wake-up and find it was a nightmare! But NO, I had to deal with it. 
 As I walked back down to the maternity unit with one of the doctors I asked "what happens now, can I have a c-section?"
 He told me they prefer to deliver naturally and since labor hasn't started I could go home and spend the night with family and come back tomorrow or we could get things started now. I decided it was best to get things started. 
 Hubby returned and I told him the news...we hugged, we cried.
  With labor induced and an epidural the next 4 hrs passed, the midwife & student midwife who attended  us were brilliant!
 I was pretty composed until it was time to legs shook and the tears streamed down my face. It was so surreal once he was quiet. We held him, washed him, let our tears touch his little face (somehow thinking they would awake him from his sleep), held perfect. Little fingers, little toes, he looked so much like his other brothers. We held him for hours but it felt like only minutes. Roy left to head home to our older children. I had a shower and was taken to a small single room. It was such a hard belly gone and no precious bundle to hold. A beautiful midwife came and sat with me for a while and just let me cry on her shoulder....I can never thank her enough for that kindness! 
 I left the hospital the next morning. The next few days we were allowed to visit him, we took the older children in to see their brother. I thank god I had my other children to focus on, I am not sure how I would have got through this without them!
 We took photo's and some video footage. Our friends were so amazing...the love and support was amazing!
 You think some crazy thoughts when you go through a loss like question everything!
Was it because I talked to that lady who had a stillborn? Did I eat too many eggs during pregnancy?
Am I a bad person? Why me? Crazy thoughts....and not at all logical.
  We had him cremated and his ashes placed in a beautiful little urn with a hand painted teddy bear on it along with his name and date of birth
Harrison James Ewins
21st September 2000
The urn sits on the top shelf of a bookcase with a lovely handmade ceramic plate which hangs above it with his special details on it....made by a lovely friend. To some this might sound a bit morbid having baby ashes in the house...but for my hubby and I, he is here with us and that is where he should be!
PS. We did go on to have 3 more children. A daughter, Sidney (Harrison was born during the Sydney Olympic Games and this is a way for us to connect her to him) and two sons McKenzie and Hugo. 
Thank you for visiting


Annette Edmonds said...

You have a strength that constantly amazes me, that you can share your experience with the hope to help others who are going through what you and your beautiful family experienced shows a grace and dignity as well as endless compassion. I am blessed to call you friend x

Margaret Mifsud said...

My Dear Kim, I'm not sure what to say. Your story left me in tears and I cannot possible imagine the pain and horror you must have gone through. I can certainly understand why you keep little Harrison's ashes close by, he belongs with you all and, hopefully, it does bring you some comfort knowing he is there. You are so brave sharing your loss with us. Sending you love and hugs and Blessings. ox

Lizzy Hill said...

I hope others who are having to cope with the same sort of loss come across here, to be able to share & feel a connection. Dunno how you coped - I know you have a strong faith, so I guess that helps & I don't think it's morbid at all. Sounds sensible to me - where else would your boy be but with his family, after all:):) Thanks for sharing. Wiping the tears away....

Natalie Elphinstone said...

Thankyou for sharing your story so openly. Pregnancy loss is something that more people than we realise have to deal with, and yet it's something that's rarely discussed and not understood well at all. It would be really wonderful if more awareness of the issue could help bring us closer to possible solutions. Meanwhile my heart goes out to you and anyone else who has ever had to deal with such a tragic loss.

Jasmine S said...

Wow Kim. What a powerful, sad yet beautiful story. You touched me deeply and you sound like one amazingly strong wonderful mother. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

Heather McMahon said...

Oh I have tears streaming down my face. Nobody should have to go through this. You are such a strong woman for being able to speak openly about it now. xx

Lizzyc said...

Thank you for sharing about Harrison and his short life. A huge mystery why these things happen. I have never lost a baby, but have lost nephews who were born sleeping.. But what precious time you had with him and he will always be with you. Can you imagine walking into heaven one day and your handsome son meets you? That's the faith I have. Xxxx

Heather Jacob said...

so beautiful , so beautiful Kim ... I lost a tiny baby back in 1973 and then my beautiful son Mark aged 22 years ( in 1999) from a motor bike accident .. I too know about the loss of a child/ children. you are beautiful , always remember that . I have learned so much about myself from the loss of my children ... my Mark is with me in spirit ... bless you Kim xoxoox

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